(Ed. Note: Apparently, a certain major search engine has a “family audience.” That audience is fine with front-page promotion of a “Red Band” trailer for an R-Rated movie in which Jason Statham graphically shatters a guy’s elbow (see below), but humorous allusions to sex in a car? Why, I never. Anyway, here’s the post, in its unedited entirety.)
There are cars that have a very high likelihood of getting you laid – the Lamborghini Gallardo, or Ferrari LaFerrari, for example. But once you’re at the point where the sex is actually going to happen, both of those cars are useless. Supportive bucket seats, gated shift levers and suede headliners don’t typically make for good pied-a-terre when you’re miles from home. These seven cars do:
Maximum Cubic Feet: 53.7
Partner Type: Joan Baez circa 1960
The Honda Fit is for the modern hippie who has no time to put up with the bullshit of a Volkswagen microbus. According to the material on hondacars.com, the Fit features something called a “Magic Seat” which allows your – and I am not making this up – “bulky or oblong trinkets” to fit right in. If you suffer from bulky or oblong trinkets, ask your doctor if the Honda Fit is right for you.
Maximum Cubic Feet: 35.9
Partner Type: Eva Longoria
According to the Urban Dictionary, “juke” is a verb describing the act of “dancing while grinding one’s ass against another dancer’s pelvis,” so it’s clear that Nissan had the nasty in mind when it named the car. With just 35.9 cubic feet at your disposal, your ass will be grinding up against the window like a pressed ham, but the Juke offers the kind of devil-may-care attitude that might actually entice partners to have sex with you in the first place.
Maximum Cubic Feet: 83.2
Partner Type: Gabrielle Reece
It rhymes with “sex” and its name connotes the kind of Pilates-esque rasslin’ you’ll be doing in its spacious cargo area. All five rear seat positions fold flat thanks to the PowerFold® third row seat, offering enough room to muckle onto an Amazon.
Maximum Cubic Feet: 72.1
Partner Type: Joan Claybrook
The Volvo XC70 is synonymous with conservatism and safety, therefore it provides deep cover for One (1) Sex Act, Missionary. The XC70 features no sharp corners or uncomfortable surfaces, and won’t attract any attention when you’re parked behind the Costco.
Maximum Cubic Feet: 52.6
Partner Type: MYLF
The C-Max is the wild card draw for 2013, since it’s relatively new on the neighborhood scene. Nevertheless, it’s got decent rear cargo volume and it was made in Chihuahua, Mexico, so you can convince your partner it’s exotic, in a Tijuana strip club kind of way. Watch out for that automatic rear tailgate that’ll open if someone waves a foot under the bumper, though.
BMW X6 M
Maximum Cubic Feet: 59.7
Partner Type: “Good heavens, Miss Sakamoto, you’re beautiful!”
Nobody likes the X6 except for chemical engineers and Bill Nye the Science Guy. But it shows you’re a geek with a bank account, thanks to its $92,900 price tag. Hey, baby, hop in my X6 and check out my Large Hadron Collider.
Nissan NV3500 SV
Maximum Cubic Feet: 323.1
Partner Type: “PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!”
Nothing says “sex inside” like a white van. The Nissan NV3500 is va-ginormous, allowing enough room to build a sound stage for a porn film. It offers a Caligula-like sin bin if you can manage to convince a partner to enter without the accompaniment of Stone Cold Steve Austin.